House's Musings
by George Stark II
Summary: I have moved this story. Season seven forward will be posted in "Picking House's Brain,"  starting with chapter 58 , not "House's Musings."
1. Black Hole

Story Summary: Is it challenging to get inside House's head? Yes. Did I attempt it? Yes. Did I succeed? That's for you to decide. No slash actually occurs, but if you're not a Hilson fan then you probably won't like what goes on in House's head.

Disclaimer: I do not own House or any of the characters. If I did, you wouldn't be reading this on fanfiction, you'd be watching it on TV.

House's Musings

He's pretty. Everyone says Chase is the pretty one, but without brains you shouldn't even count. Chase is a pretty-boy, but Wilson's a boy who happens to be pretty. Who'd have thought I'd end up with a pretty one? Who'd have thought the face I can stroke any time I want to, the hair I can run my fingers through whenever I desire, would be so goddam pretty? Because that prettiness is mine. After all these years, others have possessed it, but it's really been mine all along. He's never loved any of them a fraction as much as he's loved me. Well, Amber maybe, but she was just a more fuckable version of me. She was pretty for him. I can't be pretty for him, but he doesn't care. He's crazy about me. He doesn't need me to be young, he doesn't need me to be pretty, he doesn't care I'm a cripple. He's fucking in love with me. He wants me as much as I want him.

But damn him, he won't do anything about it. He's not as confident as he thinks I am. He doesn't want to ruin what we have. He doesn't think I'll reciprocate. Maybe he is that stupid after all. He should know everything I do is just my fucked up way of flirting. He's never gonna make a move. If I'm ever gonna get him into my bed, I'll have to make the move.

So why don't I?

I'm not stupid, I know exactly how he feels about me. He's not gay, he's not even bi, he'd never do any other guy, but he'd do me. He'd do me in a second. It probably wouldn't even take that long. What we could have, it'd be better than anything he could ever have with anyone. He knows it. He's ready. He's willing. Even if there was any doubt in my mind, he bought me that fucking organ, and it's gone now. God, even I was speechless when I saw that. And I didn't think it was within me to be speechless. What was that ridiculous comment I made? "I like what this says about you, Wilson?" and I had that idiotic grin on my face. God, I embarrass myself sometimes. That caught me off guard. I'm never surprised, I never thought he had it in him to surprise me, but it turns out he did. God, I want him.

I can't make a move. It's not me. I don't openly show people how I feel. It would be so easy to just walk up to him and press him against the wall and fuck him right there, he'd take it. But it would compromise who I am. Would he love me less if I compromised myself to finally get us together? Or would he love me more, knowing I compromised for him?

I showed up for his surgery. I said I wouldn't, and I think he believed me, but I showed. Except that wasn't compromise. I'm there when it matters. For him, I'll be there when it matters. That should have been enough of a hint for him. If all my stupid pranks and my stalking aren't enough of a declaration of love, then being there was. He should have pulled me on that damn hospital bed and made me fuck him right there. Idiot.

Why'd he have to buy that damn organ? That was his move, and now it's my turn.

It's not that he's not confident enough for it. He's just screwing with me. This is just another game. This is just us messing with each other. He's just waiting for me to give in, which I'm never gonna do, and I'm just waiting for him to give in, which he's never gonna do. If I give in, he wins. He'll be triumphant. He'll be dominant. Now way. He's the woman, I'm the dominant one. He belongs to me, not the other way around.

Playing this stupid game is who we are, but it's counterproductive cause in the meantime neither of us is getting laid. Whose stupid idea was this?

I have to trick him into making a move on me. It has to be him that does it, but I gotta force him into it. He won't do it on his own.

So until I think of a way of tricking him into kissing me, he's there, tantalizingly in front of me. I can have him anytime I want, but I won't. Is he worth me caving? That's not even a question. But I can't let him think that.

Maybe I'm the idiot.


	2. Knight Fall

A/N: Okay, so I think what I'll do is after every episode, I'll have House's reflections on the events that happened in the episode, as far as his relationship with Wilson goes. So chapter one was on "Black Hole," and I'm skipping "Lockdown" because nothing really happened between them there.

"Knight Fall"

He's testing me. He told me not to interfere, all that shit about wanting to handle this on his own. It's a test. He wants me to interfere. He wouldn't date her because he really wants to get back together. How could he? He's only doing it to see how I react. He wants me, he knows I want him. Maybe he thinks I'll cave, make a move on him or something. Maybe he thinks I won't be able to stand watching them together, and I'll just swallow my pride and kiss him or something right in front of her.

Well he's wrong. I'm not gonna do that.

Maybe he just wants me to do exactly the opposite of what he asked. Why'd he say that, anyway? I can look out for myself, I need to look out for myself. Well, Jimmy, you're headed for failure. Unless I do something about it. I'm not gonna catch you when you fall, I'm gonna make sure you don't.

He can't seriously be expecting anything from this relationship. She broke him. Why would he give her a second chance after what she did?

You gave him a second chance. He left.

That was different. He came back. And he only left because he loved me. He was afraid to lose me. That's forgivable. That's not like what she did.

How can he forgive her for that?

He did cheat on her.

He obviously had a good reason.

He's not perfect.

I love him anyway.

But she doesn't. What does she want with him? Does she just want to reinforce her point by luring him back in and then hurting him all over again?

He can't seriously be that stupid.

It must be a first love thing. Well not first love, first wife. How can he still have any sort of feelings for her after what she did? It was such a long time ago, he's probably nostalgic about the past.

Or he's just lonely.

Why go to her and not to me? Can he seriously not know, after all this time? Maybe he's unsure. Maybe he's waiting for me to make the move.

And in the meantime, he'll just go back to the woman who broke his heart twenty years ago? It must be nostalgia. It must be a crush.

But if it's a crush, it could turn into something more. He can't fall in love with her, he can't. Of course I'll outlast her, of course he'll always love me more, but if he falls in love and she breaks him, I'll have to pick up the pieces. Can I go through that again? It was what brought us close, last time. I guess you could call it good timing, meeting right around his divorce. It could bring us closer again this time. But is that worth him getting hurt?

That's not even a question.

So then the question becomes, how do I keep him from falling in love?

If I try to pull them apart, they'll just push closer together, like teenagers whose parents are idiotic enough to prohibit them from seeing each other. So I have to pretend to be supportive.

But what about when he finds out? When he finds out I'm the reason they break up, he'll hate me. Well, he won't hate me, he can never hate me, he loves me too much. But he'll be pissed off. He might get back together with her. He might leave. He won't care why I did it.

I'm seeing a dilemma here.

But I'm not trying to keep him from seeing her. Hell, I'd hit that if she wasn't the one inside it. I'm just trying to keep him from falling in love with her. Of course, the easiest way to prevent him falling in love with her would be for him to fall in love with me instead.

I could wait until he gets home from work and start making out with him as he walks through the door.

Or at work. When he comes into my office to get me for lunch, I could just walk up to him and start kissing him.

I could do it while the bitch is here. Follow him to the bathroom. She'll wonder what's taking him so long. Or wait for her to go to the bathroom, and come back to find us making out on the couch.

Why won't I do that?

What am I scared of?

Not rejection. I know he wants me.

Breaking up?

Could our friendship survive a breakup? Could we survive a breakup?

He only got through his divorces because of me. I wouldn't admit it to his face, but I only got through my breakup because of him.

I can't date him. It's too dangerous. Something will happen. I'll hurt him.

Fuck.

Letting the bitch near him is dangerous, because she'll hurt him. But me...nothing she does to him can hurt as much as what I could do to him. It would hurt more, coming from me, than anyone else.

It's so easy to say that we'll just never break up, we'll grow old together and die in each other's arms.

That's probably exactly what he was thinking about Sam when he proposed to her. And Bonnie and Julie. And Amber...

He's an oncologist who surrounds himself with people who hurt him, the one girl he would have made it with dies, and he can never be with the person he loves most because if that gets screwed up, he loses everything.

Clearly this man wasn't meant to be happy.


	3. Open and Shut

A/N: Sorry guys, this chapter is really dark, especially at the end. Well I don't know maybe you all like dark, but personally I'm a fan of happy endings. Except that this episode did not have a happy ending. When is Wilson gonna grow a brain? I guess it doesn't matter, I've already decided how the season's gonna end. Now if only I had a mind control device that could force David Shore to use my brilliant season finale idea…

Open and Shut

It didn't work.

Or he's just doing it on purpose.

No, it was her. She came back. She's doing it on purpose. That manipulative bitch. No wonder he likes her.

But he knew it was me. I knew that would happen. He didn't hate me for it. But he said no to dinner. It doesn't matter. Nothing would have happened anyway. He wouldn't get drunk enough.

I was wrong. It's not karma; it's no good deed goes unpunished.

They've changed, except that people don't change.

Maybe it's better this way.

Why did she come back? Maybe she realized what she was giving up.

Is this really what he wants?

He can't have me anyway, I'd just end up hurting him. So he should be with her. So I was testing her. And she passed.

But it's not enough. I moved the milk. Either it's gonna happen again and she'll deal with it, it's gonna happen again and she'll leave, he'll fall back into his pattern of ignoring it and eventually she'll leave, or he'll just know it was me.

He figured out it was me the first time, but not right away. But now he's on to me. Will he know why I do it? I don't even know why I did it. I don't know what I want. That bugs me.

I don't want him to be with her, that I know. But I want him to be happy, and what if she actually can make him happy?

She came back. It didn't work.

Maybe she will make him happy.

But I don't want him to be happy with her. I want him to be happy with me.

Yes, I am that selfish.

But he can't be happy with me. We'd just end up hurting each other. So if he can't be happy with me, then he should at least be happy with her.

Amber shouldn't have died. He would have been happy with her. I would have been all right with that. Eventually. If I had come to the realization that he couldn't be happy with me, which I would eventually, then I would be okay with it. Why can't he be happy with someone I don't hate?

Why does he have to forgive her when I haven't forgiven her?

Why does life have to suck?

What if it works out? What if he wants to move in with her?

How can he leave me after all this time? He bought a condo with me. Usually people don't do that unless they're committed to someone.

Maybe he was settling. He resigned himself to being alone, and now he's changing his mind.

I can't ask him not to do that. If I asked him to stay, he'd stay. He loves me. He'd stay. If he thought leaving me would hurt, he'd stay.

But he already knows leaving me would hurt. He knows I don't want him to leave.

He wasn't in his right mind when we moved here. He'd just recovered from a surgery, and he was still all happy about me being there with him in the end. We moved too quickly.

That's just stupid, we've known each other for years, and it's taken us this long, and we're still not even sleeping together. We're not moving quickly enough.

What does the man want?

I know what this is. It isn't about me, it's about her. She friended him and it got him thinking about them. It has nothing to do with me. He knew her before he even met me. Their whole history happened before he even met me.

He hasn't had a life outside of me for years, and she is a reminder of what life without me is like.

And he likes that?

I'm too clingy. Sometimes he needs a break from me. And she provides that for him. When he's with her, he doesn't need to think about me.

Why can't I find someone to get me to stop thinking about him?

Even if I did find someone, I'd still want to think about him. It's not possible to have a life outside him. Even when he left, he was all I could think about. It was probably even worse when he was gone because he was so inconspicuously not there.

What if he leaves again?

No, he won't leave like he did last time, he won't leave Princeton or the hospital. He'll still see me every day.

But if he leaves, where does that leave me?

What if I go back to Vicodin?

He can't leave. I need him.

That's selfish. But I am selfish.

Doesn't he deserve a chance to be happy?

But he is happy with me.

But he could be happier…maybe even with her.

Why do I have to be so broken? Why can't I be healthy and happy like other people? Well, other people aren't happy. But they think they are. Why can't I be ignorant like them and think I'm happy?

If I had Wilson I'd think I was happy. Except for the fact that I'd be in constant fear of him leaving me. I'd stay up at night worrying about how I'd end up fucking it up.

At least then I'd have him while he lasts.

If he does leave, I could always just kill myself.

But only if the pain becomes unbearable. I'll go back to Vicodin first, or maybe morphine. If the pain becomes unbearable. If he leaves.


	4. The Choice

**A/N:** All of these stories kind of contain spoilers for the episode they're named after. Some are more important than others. For example, in this episode it starts with House ending up in the wrong apartment because he got so drunk. The bed he fell asleep in happened to belong to a child, who fortunately still slept in mom's bed. That's what his 4-year old thing means when you get there, not anything sexual.

The Choice

It's okay.

This is what he wants. He wants her. He loves her. She makes him happy. I couldn't make him happy. Cuddy loved me. Not as much as him, but she loved me. But she knew that I couldn't make her happy. So she chose Lucas. And now Wilson's choosing Sam.

Maybe she'll hurt him and he'll come back to me, but maybe not. Maybe they actually learned something.

It doesn't matter. He's happy now. That's good for him. That's what matters.

He's being selfish. He knows I'm still not "recovered" from all the shit that happened to me. But he's tired of babysitting me. He shouldn't have to. It's not his job. Nobody's paying him to. He'll pay other people to babysit me, but he doesn't want to do it himself anymore. It's because of her. He's seen that he can be happy, he can have a life outside me, and that's good for him.

Maybe he shouldn't have come back. He wasn't happy when he went away, but that wasn't because of me. It was because Amber had just died. Of course he's not gonna be happy. He loved her. But eventually he would have gotten over her, he would have moved on and found someone else, and he would have been happy. He doesn't need me in his life.

My life would suck without him. But I guess I could deal with it.

I've finally found a replacement for Vicodin. And it's not ibuprofen.

I hate her.

She makes him forget about me. That makes him happy, so fine, but what about me? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I won't outlast her.

Maybe I was wrong about him loving me.

He has to love me. He has to. But maybe he loves her more.

She was here first.

That's what makes her different. She's the only thing in his life that was here before me. She has the first claim over him. And with her, he can remember happier times, before he met me.

It's not true, what I said. About finding a replacement for Vicodin. I didn't just discover it. I've known it was there all along. I'd just kind of hoped I wouldn't need it. And I didn't. I was doing fine. Until...

I can't blame him. This isn't his fault. I don't own him. He's allowed to do whatever he wants, be with whoever he wants, fall in love with whoever he wants. He does not belong to me no matter how much I want him to. He is his own person and he can make his own choices. He can choose to have a life outside of me. He can choose not to babysit me. It's not his responsibility to make sure I don't go from narcotics addict to alcoholic. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm making my own choice. This is not his fault.

That's not what he'll think. When he finds out, he'll blame himself. And then he'll get angry with me because he'll know that it's not really his fault and he shouldn't blame himself but he will anyway.

He's changed. He doesn't want needy anymore. Sam's not needy. My little spiel didn't even come close to intimidating her. She's an independent woman, and he's attracted to that. I'm needy. I've always been needy, but now I'm even more needy because I don't have Vicodin anymore and I just got out of a mental hospital. And he doesn't want that.

I'm his fallback. When he doesn't have anyone else, he goes to me. And we're happy. But when he can have someone else, he'll pick her first. It makes sense now. He only bought the condo because he wasn't with anyone else at the time so until another one came along he'd move in with me. And now that there is someone else I go back to the back burner.

It's not that he loves me. He's just afraid to be alone, and he knows I'm never gonna leave him because I'm in love with him, so whenever he's feeling alone he can just come to me. And whenever he finds someone better to keep him from being alone, he can leave again, and it's safe because when that fails I'll still be here waiting for him.

Am I just doing it for attention? They're gonna find out, and they're gonna be frustrated with me, and they're gonna be right. I know I'm just digging myself into a hole.

It really helps, though. It numbs the pain. It's not as good as Vicodin, but it's better than stupid ibuprofen. So I occasionally end up in the bed of a four-year-old, what does it matter? It helps me. It helps me not care that my leg hurts and that my best friend doesn't really love me.

I don't think he was jealous. I really wanted him to be. Maybe if he thought I'd had a good time with other people he'd remember that he wants some House time too. I don't think he did. He just wants Sam time.

Moving him with him was a bad idea. He's sick of me. He wants to get rid of me. He's spent too much time with me, gotten used to me, and forgotten what life was like without me. But now that he's remembered what life can be like with some hot chick to come home to instead of a whiney drug addicted cripple, he wants out.

Well who am I to tell him no? Fine, go bang the whore, she's a better lay than I'd be anyway. Go bribe people to get me out of your hair. At least I get free drinks out of it. Go ahead and regret moving in with me because I'm infringing upon your alone time with your rediscovered first love. Do it. What do I care anyway?

**A/N:** This is getting so depressing. And I saw the promo for next week and it scares me. And the season finale episode is called "Help Me" so that scares me. Why must they torture the people I love!? If the series ends and they don't end up happily lying in each other's arms I'm gonna be freaking pissed. Okay, done rant. I know you're reading this, you silent people. Please review.


	5. Baggage

A/N: Have you seen episode 6.20, "Baggage"? If the answer is no, STOP, go to your Tivo or DVR where you should have recorded it, watch it and then come back. Don't have a DVR? Go find some website that streams it or something. Can't find one? Wait a week and watch it on Hulu. Or something. If you don't know what happened I don't want to be the one to tell you. Not that it's THAT big a deal, but still. Okay, you're reading at your own risk now.

And for those of you who did watch tonight's episode, keep in mind that I only watched the episode itself. Last week watching the promo made the waiting excruciating. This week I turned off the TV as soon as the promo started. I don't want to freak out until I have to.

Baggage

The guy's an idiot. Nolan, I mean. I put him off forever until he gets to Wilson, and then he decides to skip that and go to Cuddy. I'm never going back there. How did that guy even get a bachelor's degree with that level of idiocy?

Was I upset about Cuddy getting together with Lucas? Sure. If I could be in a relationship with her, would I? Of course. She's hot and I like her. But she'd just be another distraction. Maybe there'd be times when I'd think I was happy, but I wouldn't be.

It'd be easier, with her. Getting started, anyway. She already knows I have the hots for her, and she's okay with that. Wilson, on the other hand...

I was so sure I was right. I was so sure that he knew, that he also...how could I have been so sure but still been wrong? Well, story of my life I guess. Every time I get a new patient I'm sure I'm right but I always end up being wrong four or five times anyway. I'm smart; you'd think I'd learn.

Why can't the man just be happy with me? Why has he stayed this long if he doesn't love me?

What the hell am I supposed to do? Why can't I be happy?

I should just go back to Vicodin. I should. I really really should. I mean, why the fuck not? Nothing else works. Nothing. I do what my therapist says and Wilson decides to replace me with someone who doesn't remind him of me. I let him, and he gets to be happy and I just end up alone, and now I have to feel it because I don't have anything to distract me. If I'm gonna be alone, fine. But don't make me feel it. When patients are in pain, we give them medicine. Why should they have to be in pain? So why should I have to be in pain? Where's my medicine? The booze isn't enough. I need more. What's the worst that could happen?

I could OD. Yeah, that'd be just awful. I'd have a few hours of peace, of no pain, I'd forget who I am, forget that the one person I trusted with my heart just smashed it with a curly blonde hammer...

I might even die. Then there'd be nothing. It's tempting.

But I might not OD. I mean, I probably would because it's been so long and I'd take more than is really necessary, but I might not. It'd all just be illegal; none of them would write me a prescription. That'd get old fast.

And I might hallucinate again.

At least Amber would be some company. Maybe I could get her to fuck me. It was nice when it happened with Cuddy, but I've never slept with Amber...that'd hurt Wilson, if he knew Amber slept with me. If she were alive he'd still be with her. He'd choose her over Sam. Why can't he choose me over Sam?

It wouldn't be so bad, hallucinating Amber. We have something in common: we both just had the chance to spend the rest of our life with him just snatched away. Except she can't feel it hurting.

There's another reason it should have been me and not her. It would have been better for everyone. Wilson and Amber would have been happy (he wouldn't miss me that much because he'd have her, he really only needs me when he doesn't have one of them), and I wouldn't have been anything. Everyone wins. Well, Cuddy would never have met Lucas, but who the fuck cares?

What if I OD and I die and it hurts him? He'll just blame himself. He might even blame Sam a bit, and he'd blame me a bit, but he'd blame himself the most. He shouldn't have let me go. It's his fault I ODed, it's his fault I wasn't there for him to watch over, it's his fault he was too busy getting laid to bother to call me and make sure I'm okay, too busy enjoying his condo free of my presence to check on me and get to my apartment before it's too late. It'd hurt him, if I OD and die from it.

And part of me is thinking, good, you deserve it you son of a bitch, now you know how much it hurts not to have someone you love. You don't want me? Fine, I'm gone. That's what you always wanted.

But I guess that's not fair. He's entitled to his own fucking happiness just like the rest of world. But what about me? Aren't I entitled to my happiness? I don't deserve it, but why the fuck not? There's plenty of happy assholes out there. Why can't I be one of them?

Would I even be happy with Wilson? Maybe I wouldn't. I'd be constantly afraid to lose him, and then I would and it would be even worse. He'd leave me eventually because I'd fuck it up somehow, so even if we had the opportunity we really shouldn't be together because it's not worth the risk. Maybe he knows it. Maybe he is in love with me but he knows it won't work so he's distracting himself with her. Yeah, if only.

He's not doing it to hurt me. He came back because he realized he was happier with me in his life and because he realized he loved me enough to not want to lose me, when I was all he had left. He didn't come back just to make me fall even more in love with him so that he could go back to his ex wife and leave me again. He didn't just kick me out to back me into a corner where I can't even take Vicodin because it will just hurt both of us. He's not trying to hurt me. And maybe if he knew how I felt, then he wouldn't hurt me. So the only thing that makes sense is for me to tell him how I feel.

But I won't.


	6. Help Me

A/N: Season finale spoilers. Serious, big season finale spoilers. Completely unavoidable season finale spoilers. Ridiculous, infuriating, very difficult to accept season finale spoilers. You've been warned. Now for the real reason I'm here. Sorry for the huddiness, as you know they didn't give me much to work with.

Help Me

Why not?

Seriously. Why the fuck not? She's so much easier. So much easier. It's perfect. And I love her. I never said I didn't love her. And she's easier. She's hot, too.

There's no way it could have been him. He was back at the hospital, he wasn't down there. I left my cane there. There was no way for him to know. She knew. She knew I left it there because she would notice, and then it could give her a reason to come over. There was no reason for him to come over.

And this way I didn't fuck up my life. I was close. I would have done it. I wouldn't have called anyone. I'm never talking to Nolan again. I didn't really expect her to come, I wouldn't have called. And Wilson, well...

If Wilson cared enough to want to make sure I wouldn't go back to drugs, he wouldn't have kicked me out.

Maybe that's not fair. But it's easier this way.

Could I be happy with her?

It's easier, with her. We both already know we love each other; we've admitted it. With him, it'd be too complicated. There'd be the whole gay thing to consider. He'd have issues with that.

But what about when I hurt her? I'm trying to be better, but obviously that was a fail. Thirty more seconds and I would have slipped. I'm still broken, and like I told her I'm still screwed up. I'm gonna hurt her. It's inevitable. I don't know how, but I'm gonna hurt her. I might take the pills anyway. I might cheat on her. The little things will build up and I'll drive her crazy. Something will happen. It won't work. It can't work.

Vicodin doesn't work either. It numbs the pain, it dulls it, it makes it bearable. But then eventually it wears off, you need more, and then you build up a resistance and even when you take a lot it doesn't do what it once did. And then it causes problems like hallucination and impairs decision making and all kinds of other shit. Vicodin doesn't work.

But I took it. I rode the high while it lasted. Even though I knew it would end, I let it run its course, I put off the pain as long as I could. I knew Vicodin didn't work, but I took it. Tonight, I crawled into the bathroom knowing it wouldn't work, but I was ready and I was so close, I almost took it.

Cuddy and I won't work. But I'll take it. It's just another Vicodin. I would have taken Vicodin tonight. Why not take Cuddy instead? Same result. It distracts from the pain. The leg will still hurt, but the mental pain won't hurt so much. She'll take my mind off it. And I'll get laid while I'm at it. She might even think she's happy for awhile. Maybe sometimes I'll even think I'm happy. I'll ride the high while it lasts.

Wilson and I wouldn't work either. I'd hurt him, too. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt Cuddy either. But I'll risk it. If she can be my Vicodin substitute, I'll risk it. Besides, she knows what she's getting into. He...he's never even gotten close to dating someone like me. Amber died before she had a chance to hurt him. He hasn't thought about dating me. She has. She knows what she's getting into. He wouldn't have time to prepare himself. If I hurt her, she deserves it. He doesn't.

Maybe that's not fair either. I don't care. I didn't make her come over. She's never gotten this close before. Last time she kissed me because she was feeling upset and vulnerable. This time she kissed me because I was feeling upset and vulnerable. She took advantage of me, not the other way around. She could stop it and walk out whenever she wants. And she might still. She might regret it in the morning. She might leave. She might take my Vicodin with her.

Still, even if it only lasts a night...like I said, ride the high while it lasts.

It'll hurt when I come down.

Maybe not.

She's gonna leave him at some point, and when he's feeling all broken he'll come to me, and then I'll have him. No more than usual, but I will. And if she leaves me at the same time, we'll have each other. Maybe we'll get drunk and fuck. No, I wouldn't let that happen. I don't wanna screw it up with him. I can afford to screw it up with her. Not with him. Yeah, she's the one I'm making out with, but she's not the most important person to me. She doesn't come close.

When we break up, it'll suck, but I'll get through it. Not with him, and especially not if I don't have Vicodin. She's safer. When I found out about her and Lucas, he was there for me and he bought a condo to spite her and help me get over it. When we break up, he'll be there. He owes me that much at least. But when I went into the kitchen and saw them together, no one was there. If I'd had a stash of Vicodin in that room I would have taken it. He was an idiot for kicking me out, for seriously thinking I wouldn't take drugs. Especially after what he did. But how's he supposed to think about my feelings when he's got her? She's causing him to lose sight of what's really important. Maybe he'll regret it, later. I don't care now. It doesn't matter now.

I have my own, personal, Cuddy flavored brand of Vicodin now.


	7. Reflections

**A/N: **This is kind of a reflection on the whole year I guess. It's different from the others because something actually happens but it's still all in House's head, unfortunately. It's kind of a what-might-have-been thing. I originally wrote it as an actual scene (that I think should be the series finale of the show if they never get together before then) but I couldn't think of an adequate enough beginning to make it into its own story, so I decided to put it in House's brain. And now it's here for you. Enjoy.

He should have figured it out. It's as simple as that. The idiot should have figured it out. All these years, all the signs have pointed to one thing: I'm fucking in love with him. The man's a doctor. Presumably, to be a doctor, you need some brains. How has he not figured it out by now?

He'd want me too. He has to. Somewhere deep down, he has to love me. He always comes back. I'm the only real friend he has. He doesn't hate me. So he has to love me. If he figured it out, he'd want me back. He wouldn't have bought the condo if he didn't care about me. He wouldn't have bought the organ if he didn't care about me. He wouldn't have come back after Amber if he didn't care about me. Hell, he wouldn't have left in the first place if he didn't care about me. Deep down, he loves me. Once he knew how I felt, he'd want me.

I guess it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have let him. I'd just end up hurting him, anyway. I can see it. He'd walk into my office, some smug grin on his face, and I'd know he knows. He'd walk up to me, stare at me with those love struck eyes, and say: "We've been wasting all our time. We should have just done this years ago." He'd step forward, put his hand on my arm, and kiss me.

And I wouldn't freeze, I wouldn't push him away, and I'd let him give me tongue, but I wouldn't kiss back. I know it can't happen. When he pulls away, I won't open my eyes right away. I'll be thinking frantically, wishing there was a way I could say yes, tell him that this is what I've always wanted and how happy I'd be for it to finally be real, but there isn't. I'll avoid his eye, and I'll say one word. "No." And then I will look up, I'll look at him, right in the eye so he knows I mean it.

He'll be shocked. He'll say, "What?"

And I'll repeat. "You heard me. I said no."

"You're…" he'll look at me, still shocked, "…rejecting me?"

I'll look away, ashamed, probably sit back down at my desk. "Yes."

He'll be frustrated, he'll pace around my office, running his fingers through his hair. He might get mad. "After all this time, after all the shit I went through coming to terms with my own feelings and then having to figure out how you felt, and then working up the courage to finally show you, you just say no?"

I'll be hurting inside, I'll answer him acidly, "Sorry I inconvenienced you."

He'll sigh, he'll sit down. "Of all the things I expected, this wasn't it."

"What do you want from me?"

He'll look at me. Of course he'll want to know… "Can you at least tell me why?"

I'll evade. "I don't want to."

"You don't want a relationship, or you don't want to tell me why you don't want a relationship?"

"We have a relationship. Let's keep it the way it is." Of course, that's not what I really want. It's just the only safe thing.

He won't get that right away, he'll be confused. "Why though? I wasn't…wrong…about the way you feel about me, was I?" The doubt will creep up on him. He'll remember having this argument with himself so many times before deciding once and for all that he's right, I love him. And he wouldn't have worked up the courage to kiss me until he was one hundred percent positive how I felt. But then he'd worry he'd been wrong all along.

I can't lie to him, I have to correct him. "You weren't wrong." I'll say it slowly. It's hard.

He'll be relieved, then confused. "Why then?" He'll say it softly, gently. A request, not a demand.

"I can't." Honesty.

"Will you…at least think about it?"

"Trust me, Wilson, I've spent plenty of time thinking about it. I've spent more time thinking about it than you have. And I've made up my mind." The hardest decision I've ever had to make.

"But…" he'll stammer. "I'm here. And I love you." He'll say it, then. But it will make the next part that much easier.

"I know. And I want it to stay that way." It's the truth.

"You're scared," he'll deduce. "Greg, tell me, what are you scared of?"

Yeah, he might use the first name. He never uses the first name. But here he might. He'll think it might make me more comfortable, more likely to tell him.

"Why'd you leave?" I'll ask.

He won't know what I mean at first, until I explain.

"After Amber died. You left."

He'll feel awful I brought that up. He'll try to apologize his way out of it. "House, that was a long time ago. I'm sorry. It was the worst decision I ever made, I've regretted it-"

"-You're not answering my question," I'll interrupt. "Tell me why you left."

"I've told you." Of course he'll want to spend as little time as possible on that particular memory. But I won't let him.

"Tell me again."

He'll hesitate. He'll feel ashamed to admit it, because he'll think it's counter-productive.

"I'd just lost one of the most important people in my life. I was in pain like I'd never felt before. I didn't think I'd be able to handle going through that again. If I'd lost you, House, it would have been too much for me. I had to prevent that from happening. But I couldn't. It was out of my control. So I made it under my control. I left. You can't lose what you don't have."

"And you have your reason."

I can just imagine the light bulb going off in his brain. It'll be like an epiphany. It's not that I don't want a relationship; I just don't want a break up. It'll be too much for me. I'll lose my lover and my best friend all at once. He'll realize that he means too much to me to risk losing him.

But of course it won't be enough. He'll keep trying. "House," he'll say slowly. He'll get up off his chair and kneel down next to me. "I love you-"

"-You also loved Samantha and Bonnie and Julie."

"But I never-" loved them as much as me. I know. But I'll just interrupt again.

"-Couples don't enter relationships expecting breakups. How many of them end up divorced? You're living proof. So am I. The one relationship I've had-"

He'll probably interrupt me at this point. "-That was her fault, not yours!" he'll insist, getting up and storming around my office again. "I wouldn't do that to you. And I've told you, my ex-wives-"

"-You wouldn't have married them if you didn't think, each time, 'it's different with her.' You don't know that it will be any different with me. Sure, it'll start out great. We'll be together, we'll fuck like rabbits, we'll be more crazy in love than any of the pathetic couples that cry on each other in this hospital. And then something will happen. I'll go back to Vicodin, or Lucas will break up with Cuddy and I'll cheat on you with her. Someone will start investigating me and you'll do the right thing and I'll hate you for it. We'll fight, you'll leave, you'll have a one night stand, you'll hate yourself, I'll forgive you but you won't forgive you. I'll find a way to hurt you."

He won't give up. "I'm not saying it will be easy," he'll plead. "But we've made it through so much already and look at us. We're still here. I've forgiven you for the stupid stuff you've done, and even more often you've forgiven me for the awful stuff I've done. We've…we've proven that we can get through anything."

"Not as much as at stake then. It sucks when a friend hurts you, but when a lover hurts you, the one person you trust and care about and depend on more than anyone else-"

He'll see through that. "-Bullshit. We're already that person for each other."

I'll pause. I'll scan him. It will take me a minute to explain. "Right now, you don't think it's possible to love me more than you already do. You're wrong. If we start this, you'll feel things that you didn't even know you could. It'll just get more and more intense with every passing day, every passing minute. You think you'd be in unimaginable pain if I left you now; you can't comprehend the pain you'd be in if I left you after being in a relationship for a year."

"Whatever problems we have we can find a way to work out."

"If you couldn't work things out with any of the others, you won't be able to work them out with me."

"You don't trust me?"

"I don't trust me."

Then I'll get up. I'll limp past him. I'll leave my office.

But no. That won't be enough for him. He'll let me go for a minute, but then he'll follow me.

"Is that why you never got together with Cuddy?"

I'll be mad about that, I'll glare at him. "Why are you bringing her into this?"

"Just answer the question, House," he'll respond, catching up to me. "You've always loved her and she has a soft spot for you. I've been expecting the two of you to get together for a long time. I know you both want to, but I never thought it was my place to ask."

"And now it is?"

"Is that the reason? You're afraid that you'll hurt each other?"

I'll avoid his gaze, but just because he's right. "Yes," I'll say finally. "It would never work out. One of us would end up hurting the other." I know, that's not stopping me now. But I already know it won't last. I'm prepared for it not to last. But if this hadn't happened...if he had broken up with Sam again, if he would just figure it out...

He'll turn my reasoning around, use it to his advantage. He'll step closer to me. "It doesn't have to be like that with us," he'll murmur. He'll start playing with my collar, and I won't stop him. "I know you're scared of getting hurt, but for me…" He'll lean up and kiss me again. Softly, gently, he'll press against my mouth, opening my lips with his tongue, and I'll hesitate at first but after a minute I'll respond. I won't press back, but my tongue will slip into his mouth. He'll let me taste him and then pull back from the kiss, but not from me. I could get off thinking about this if it weren't so damn depressing. He'll hold onto my arms for a moment, his face inches from mine. "We could have this," he'll breathe. "Every day, forever. We could have this."

"Until we fuck it up and I lose you," I'll point out. "Forever."

"You won't lose me. I promise."

"It's not worth it." It's not.

That'll upset him. He'll step back again, gaping at me. "That wasn't…I'm not worth it?"

I'll look at him before turning away. "Nothing's worth it."

Losing him? How can he seriously think that anything could be worth that?

He won't give up, though. He'll let me walk away, but he'll keep thinking. He won't want to manipulate me into something I don't want, but he'll be convinced that this is something I do want, and he'll need to show me this. He'll think it's stupid. I don't want a relationship just because I'm afraid we'll break up someday? I know, if people lived like that, the human race would die out.

And he'll think it's a moot point because he won't think he'll ever leave me. The only reason he left last time was because he was afraid of losing me. He'll think I'm doing the same thing he did, which I guess in a way I am. But he'll wonder why I didn't learn from his mistake.

He'll question whether I believe he won't hurt me.

Then he'll shout my name down the hall, running to catch up with me.

I'll look at him. "You're not getting break-up sex."

"That's not why I'm here. Listen to me, House, it would have worked out with Amber."

I'll stare at him. I'll wonder where he's going with this.

"It would have. We joked that she was you, and yes, you have a lot in common, but I loved her for her. I never thought of you when I looked at her, never cried out your name during sex, or any other time for that matter. I never forgot that it was Amber I was with. I loved her. And we would have worked out. If…we'd had a chance." It would have worked out with her, and she's me. Ergo, it will work out with me. He'll look into my eyes, pleading.

"But you didn't," I'll point out. "She died. You lost her anyway. And it hurt you."

"I know."

Have I won? Have I proven that we can't be together because it's just too dangerous? I'll start walking away again, but no, he'll think of something else to say.

"Maybe we should just kill ourselves now so that we don't have to go through any more pain."

I'll look at him. This time I'll know where he's going with it, and this time…what if he's right?

"That's what your logic is suggesting, House," he'll continue. "House, we're doctors. We take risks all the time. Every surgery we perform has a risk of the patient dying, but we perform them anyway. Sometimes the patient dies, and it's tragic, but sometimes the patient lives, and ends up living a longer and better life than if they hadn't had the surgery. And that's why we do it."

He'll stop to take a breath. He'll look at me, but I still won't say anything because I can't think of an argument. He'll use that against me and keep going.

"If we break up, it will be awful. If one of us dies, it will be awful. The odds of either of us dying anytime soon aren't that great, but it could happen and the pain would be unimaginable. But if you say no and I die, be it tomorrow, in ten years, or in forty, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. And you'll regret never having the chance to know."

He'll have moved close to me again, he'll be breathing fast from talking so quickly and fervently, but I won't be moving and my expression will be unreadable. I'll be trying so hard to think of a rebuttal, but for the life of me I can't. The man's right. He's right. If we have the chance and I say no…

So then I'll move. It will be almost nothing, just a slight inclination of the head. An inclination, down, forward, toward Wilson. I won't move more than two inches, but it will be enough for him. He'll slowly and deliberately wrap his arms around my neck, pressing our lips together.

And this time will be different. I won't just stand there letting Wilson kiss me. He'll feel me put his arms around him. He'll hear the clatter as I toss my cane to the floor and use both of my hands to grip his sides. I'll pull him closer.

And I'll kiss back. I'll press my mouth to Wilson's, I'll push my tongue all around his mouth, exploring every corner. My hands will be at the back of Wilson's neck, tugging at his hair. He'll start to pull back, just as a reflex, but I'll press myself closer, not letting him get away.

I won't know how long it'll last. I'll start to feel dizzy before I realize I've forgotten to breathe. Wilson will need to breathe too, and he'll start to pull back but we'd be apart for less than a second before my lips will be on his again. I'll be pressing, I'll be nibbling, I'll be everywhere at once. Maybe it won't be the breathlessness making us dizzy.

But by then we won't be in my office anymore. We'll be in the hallway. Cuddy will see us. I can just imagine her, her mouth slightly open. She'll cross her arms in front of her chest and smile and shake her head. My team will be coming back toward the office from the patient's room and they'll simultaneously stop in their tracks, staring. Then Thirteen will reach her arm back over her shoulder and Chase Taub and Foreman will each put a twenty in her hand.

And if it were a movie there'd be a sappy panoramic view of us just kissing.

"House," he'll whisper, finally pulling away and restraining me for a moment with his hand. I'll let him pull away from the kiss but I'll press my forehead to his. We'll both be panting from lack of oxygen.

"What?"

His hand will be on my chest from holding me back. He'll move his head back to look at me properly. I'll scan him with my eyes. Then he'll smile and shake his head. "Nothing," he'll say, leaning in to kiss me again.

Now I'm really pissed that he didn't figure it out and that didn't actually happen. Come on! He would have won. I wasn't going to let him win, I was going to refuse point-blank to start a relationship. But he won the argument. I couldn't think of anything else to say. He was right. Come on, Wilson, figure it out already. We could have all that. We could have it.

Just...figure it out. I'll dump Cuddy for you. I want you, Wilson. Figure out how in love with you I am. Figure it out. We could have it.

**A/N: **I'm going to leave the story as in-progress and I might return with more musings when season seven starts, but no guarantees. So at least for the next few months, this is it. A huge thank you to all my faithful readers and reviewers. You guys brighten my days.


	8. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Author's Note:**

Hey, I have **moved** this story. I'm still continuing on with season seven, but the postings are going to be in my other story "Picking House's Brain." Some of you already subscribe to that, so you can ignore this, but for those of you who don't, from now on I'm only going to be updating PHB not this. Season 7 Episode 1 is chapter 58. If it would let me, I'd give you the link, but you know how temperamental FF is.


End file.
